Letter to my future-self (in 10 years from now)

Hello Bea,

Do you still want people to treat you by your nickname? I hope so. I also hope that, by the time you read this letter, you have your life figured out and your dreams come true, eventhough you didn't even knew what your dreams were ten years ago.

Do you still love cats as much as you used to do? Because I remember you wanted to have a lot of cats when you moved out from your parents house. But don't be like Cat Lady, please. That's not good for you. Since we're talking about animals... Have you lost your fear of dogs? I really hope you did. You can't live like that forever. Nobody should live in fear.

I hope you have a stable job, the job you wanted since High School and that you're happy about it. Translation, was it? The degree you wanted to take at college? Yes, it was. I remember very clearly. You need to start believing more in yourself. You can do this!

I hope your love is as strong as it was ten years ago. You're so lucky, you have no idea! What about marriage and kids? Did it happen, already? Honestly, I hope it didn't. You're so young! You have plenty of time to have children of your own.

Now, tell me about books... How many do you have? 100? 1000? Yeah, I know you're an obsessive reader. You always were. I don't expect less than your own library at home.

Anyway, I hope everything works out fine. You deserve to be happy. Actually, everybody deserves happiness. Just live your life and do the things that make you happy. You won't regret it.

Read again at Wednesday, 30th September 2026

If only I could end it once and for all...

It looks like I deserve to be alone.

I push people away from me without even noticing. I'm annoying. I can tell that people get bored around me. What's the big deal, anyway? Why am I like this? Why is my mind so fucking complicated to understand?

I suddenly start to cry. At first, I thought I had no reason to cry... But then, I remembered the huge amount of reasons and I cry even harder.

I can't stop the tears from falling off my face. I'm perplexed.

No one wants to be with an insecure person who only cries... How can I express my feelings if even I don't know what I cry about? It's painful...

Anguish... There's anguish all around me. In my body, in my soul, in my heart, in my brain.

It's meaningless. Everything happens at the same time.

If only I could end it once and for all...

人は失敗から学ぶ。

人は失敗から学ぶ。

People learn from their mistakes. That's what I always tell myself.

I would say that some people aren't capable of taking a lesson from them. I'd really like to know why it happens. Sometimes you might hear that there are no second mistakes because you learn from the first one. Therefore, the second time you make the same mistake, it isn't a actually one; it's something different and called "a choice".

If you think about it, you will notice that people are just too distracted, nowadays. They don't stop to remember if their actions will afect others. They don't even think about others before thinking about themselves.

I try my best not to hurt anyone (I even prefer to hurt myself instead of making others suffer), but I feel like I don't get the same feedback. I have to admit that it drives me insane.

When life changes to be harder, change yourself to be stronger

That's what I did, or at least tried. There were moments in my life where I felt lost, hopeless and afraid of what the future would bring to me.

Moving away was hard. I "locked up" myself back then and now it's hard to trust anyone. The problems I had, the thoughts that would travel through my mind, the feelings I had, everything was kept to myself. Only myself.

I stopped sharing things with my friends and my family. I think I felt like a burden, so I didn't wanted to bother them. All those deep and dark thoughts I had just stayed up inside my head, because it's where they belong, right? The truth is I was kind of afraid of my own thoughts and it's not like someone would actually want to hear them.

I used to see the world from a different perspective: everything became darker by day. I used to think that people were mean and that they would help others just to feel better about themselves, just to fulfill that emptiness inside their hearts.

Four years ago, moving away was hard. Music was my only friend. I listened to music all day, everyday. I never got bored. Some songs touched my soul and some lyrics got into my heart. It was the light at the end of the tunnel. It was my escape from reality. Because I started living in a world of my one, overthinking hurted really bad. But there's always hope. There's always someone to "light up" your world.

Somehow, and I never knew why I kept thinking like that, the only thing that kept me connect with everything around me, the only thing that would make me happy, was taken away from me when I needed it the most. I guess things don't last forever. Nothing lasts forever, unfortunately.

Despair ≠ Hope

Despair

(n)
1. loss of hope; hopelessness.
2. someone or something that causes hopelessness:
He is the despair of his mother.

Despair. The only thing that can fight hope.
It's hard when you can't even control yourself. You begin to fade... Ceasing to be myself because you're so blind, so sick, so desperate. Also, you're so lonely... But many people feel just like you.
I don't think there's any chances these scars will disappear. They're printed in my souls, they won't come out. Maybe it's better this way.


Hope

(n)
1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best:
to give up hope.
2. a particular instance of this feeling:
the hope of winning.
3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance:
There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered:
The medicine was her last hope.
5. something that is hoped for:
Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

Hope. The only thing that can fight despair.
Hope keeps us together, searching for our goals. It gives us strength to look forward, to face our destiny.
I'll never forget what helped me fighting my enemies. Hope. When there's hope, there's everything. You might have to let some things behind, but maybe it's better this way.

I can't think straight right now

I can't think straight right now.
I feel the world collapsing around me.
I have no where to go.
No where to be.
No where to feel safe.

I can't think straight right now.
Because the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I don't know what to do.
I'm not ready to fight.
I'm not ready to fall and fail again.
I'm not ready.
I'm just... Not ready.

I can't think straight right now.
Because everything I do seems to be wrong.
Every single thing is wrong.
It's not my fault.
I try. I try very hard.
I just...

I can't think straight right now.
I feel the world collapsing around me.
I don't have strength to stand up.
Oh God, please have mercy for this poor soul.
Guide me home.

You don't want to know about the things that go on inside my head

I've always had a lot of insecurities about my body and about being a woman myself. Maybe because I'm short or because I feel fat, or even because I don't have the boob size I want, but I guess I'm not the only one. There are plenty of young women feeling that way too, and that's not okay.

I've always felt watched, from top to bottom, by random men on the streets or simply from guys at school. Maybe it was all just inside my head but, when you dislike your own body, those kind of things happen. Your brain tends to create situations that are not exactly there in the first place.

There are days where I feel confident about myself, but most of the days I feel the most insecure person you could ever meet. It comes a lot from the society we live in. Everyday, we are targeted by standard and unrealistic sizes of skinny models and everytime we see one of those girls, all we do is to complain about ourselves. Anorexia. Bulimia. Self harm. These are just a few ways to end up the pain for a little while.

Even not totally accepting my body right now, I'm happy because I met the right guy, the one who makes me feel good about myself, and even sexy. I don't know how he can be so cheerful and positive about it [I guess I've always had a negative mind], but I'm thankfull for that.